A beginners guide to commenting at El Reg

Firstly, and most importantly, think carefully before commenting. Not about whether your viewpoint is carefully considered and will make a positive contribution to the conversation - don't be stoopid! I mean think about whether your comment (ne The Truth(tm)) is condescending enough. Don't leave readers in any doubt.

If you are unsure on which position to take when commenting, here is a handy guide: -

• Microsoft are the spawn of Damien
• Mobile phones are for talking, and maybe very occasionally, texting. Anyone who wants to do anything more on their phone: has no life / should get a digital camera / how can they surf on 3.5" screen? / I managed without a phone in my formative years (please delete as appropriate, or simply list). Be inventive!
  
• Cyclists are a semi-human extension of the characters from Road Rage, and points are on offer
• No-one else contributing to this thread has, has ever had, or will ever have, a girlfriend - use this to your advantage when crafting your witty, insightful comebacks (see below). See how superior you feel towards everyone else now? Channel that!
  
• Twitter... hah!! Get a life. Same goes for facebook
  
• The iPhone is officially known as the Jesus phone here. Yup. It's because if you drop yours from a 10th-floor balcony, it will come back to life... try it
  
• Did I say that Microsoft are the spawn of Damien? I meant Phorm. Phorm kills blind babies and collectively eats their heads.
  
• Paris Hilton is a slut. Just saying
• YOU could run the country/company/council/brothel more efficiently and effectively than whoever is in charge (delete as appropriate); don't be shy now
• It is not cool to be commenting after 12pm on a Friday, you really should in the in the pub. Use this to your advantage: come back wasted (minumum: 6 pints and a curry (vinadloo or above) or a kebab (pigeon only)) and then the commentage will flow! Don't forget to tell the boss what an unbelievable shitfuck he is first though
• Generalise. It's boring when you are just insulting a small minority ("some BMW drivers can be right cocks"). Much better to go the whole hog ("all BMW/Audi/Merc drivers are fuckits of the higest order. I've personally witnessed at least 1094 causing fatal accidents whilst on their phone with one hand and jerking off with the other, at 146mph. In a blizzard. The only answer is to commandeer some 18-wheelers and run them all off the road over a steep sliff (all in the name of Darwin)" much better eh?).
  
• Always use the reg-coined nickname (Wacky Jacqui)
• Record companies may not be the spawn of Beelzebub, but.. hmm actually they must be! They are systematically raping both artists and consumers at the same time (no mean feat if you ask me). How dare they charge people for music? If they made the price more reasonable, no-one would download it for free - fact(tm)
• If there is a new technology or invention, which you think might actually be a good idea and might improve some people's live, whatever you do, please don't spew this nonesense from your foaming mouth - keep your earth-is-round nonsense to yourself. What a pointless waste of money, time, and my oxygen. If it is transportation-related, tell the lazy bastards to walk instead. If it is home-entertainment, then the tards should really be outside getting a life(tm).
  

Have a swift, comedic rebuttal ready for when some tard dares to disagree with you. The stronger their argument, the firmer we have to be here. In extreme circumstances (a well-argued, cohesive response which has made us look like a twat) we must wheel out "fuck off twatfuck fucktard" before anyone notices. That'll show'em!

And two-for-the-price-of-one this handy guide can be easily adapted for posting on Slashdot! There are some small but important differences that must be taken into account though: -

• If you are within the first 5 posts, then you must tell a joke - it must be the first vaguely funny thing that comes into your head (no thinking time allowed - must get in first!). Remember, no-one here has a girlfriend!! They will find anything funny! (If you can't think of anything funny, scan previous stories' comments for several well-used templates. There are some timeless classics that never get boring; I won't spoil them here but they involve ?? profit and overlords). Just don't be original or genuinely funny - that's not cool, mkay
  
• Mod points are at stake here, so try your very hardest not to actually be rude. Hard, I know - try and make the others sound like plonkers with your inciseful cutting wit.
  
• Please, whatever you do, do not research your comments! Where would the flame wars be without upstanding individuals such as yourself just Telling It Like It Is(tm)
• This really is the linux domain. If you post a comment using a Microsoft Windows PC, little balls of linux will travel back down the tubes and cause your computer to BLUE SCREEN. You have been warned

Now you have been given a basic introduction - off you go into the big-ol-wide-world and show us what you've got!

If you are interested in learning more advanced commenting techniques, then well done! There is big money to be made from spouting forthright ill-humoured nonsense from these very pages. I will be running seminars soon at a very reasonable price. The absolute masters among you, who truly excrete bile from every orifice (except your ears - that would be steam) can perhaps one day look forward to a long and successful career baiting the nation at the Daily Mail.

Do you have any other sage advice for potential comment-tards? Please leave it below, and put into practise what you have learned above.